scott_d 1:38 Wed Sep 23
Best Man Speech Jokes
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... for a loud, obnoxious, ale drinking, opinionated cunt. think Jeremy Clarkson.
Any ideas on one liners to use in the speech that I can adopt?
Cheers,
scott_d
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Replies - Newest Posts First ( Show In Chronological Order)
yngwies Cat
10:21 Thu Sep 24
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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My best man talked about how part of my wife's job was to etract DNA from peas, and how she couldn't wait to extract the DNA from me later. I thought that was a good line, as did the room, apart from the in-laws.
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willswishwellingtons
4:30 Thu Sep 24
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Opening line: 'I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines...
Having hoovered them up in the toilet a moment ago, feel absolutely fine'
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Denver Hammer
4:14 Thu Sep 24
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Fornication...... For an occasion such as this.....
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ILOVEPAOLODICANIO
5:40 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Regale the wedding party with tales of shagging prostitutes and doing drugs with the groom.
Even if they never happened just start the wedding speach with 'we were balls deep in 2 crazy mexican hookers' and it will be a smashing success.
If you want to make the speach even better mentioned that the groom fucked said hooker without a condom.
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Eggbert Nobacon
4:20 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Says the brides dad always wanted to meet Frank Sinatra
and by the looks of him it won't be long now
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Darlo Debs
4:17 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Like Jeremy Clarksn you say?
No need for a speech......just complain about the food and punch his new father in law in the face
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Kidders
4:16 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Worrying about today I took a Viagra instead of a sleeping pill, instead of 40 winks i had 40 wanks.
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Terrywait
4:10 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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scott_d 1:56 Wed Sep 23
yes mate i'm there, you going? Meeting a few mates at Stratford i think, if you;re about and fancy abeer give me a shout
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Redeye
2:52 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Start your speech by referring to an old Spanish tradition which states that the best man's speech should last only as long as the grooms love making. Then pause & whilst obviously counting down the last few seconds on your watch ,ask everyone to raise their glasses to the bride & groom.
Once you have re-started your speech ( having stated that despite Spanish tradition we are in the UK & clearly the groom is expecting more than 25 seconds of speech making) .. explain how you & the groom have been 'through a lot' together over the years. Then whilst pausing & looking very directly & obviously at a number of women in the room you say ' .. and how nice it is to see so many of them here today .. ''
I've got more ...
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worm
2:37 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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taking the piss out of the Bride's mum always goes down well
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Spandex Sidney
2:34 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Go back on the bride's facebook, get all her exes to send you their sex pics and whack them up for a powerpoint walkthrough over the tiramisu and coffee.
Thank me later.
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Takashi Miike
2:14 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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can't remember the exact details but someone did a thread on here not too long ago about some fella doing a best man's speech (or it could have been the groom's brother) who started digging out the bride's sexual past and it all kicking off, it was very funny
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orwells tragedy
2:11 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Being asked to be the best man is a bit like having sex with the Queen, its a big honour but you don't really want to do it!
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Marston Hammer
2:02 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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I've been asked to not to mention xxxx's exes. All I will say though in their defence is that they did raise a lot of money for Movember.
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HairySpotter
1:57 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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I noticed he started to become like his dad. Because he fancied his mum
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Pancho
1:57 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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"All we know is he is called a drunk obnoxious cunt"
*blinks*
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scott_d
1:56 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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haha, someone's been in touch on your behalf Jimbo! ;-)
Are you going to the footy on Saturday by the way?
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HairySpotter
1:56 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Some say he once managed to impregnate a woman from 50 yards with a stare.
Some say he faced superman and superman shit himself
All we know is he is called a drunk obnoxious cunt
That's your Jeremy clarkson link. Your welcome
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chim chim cha boo
1:54 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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I asked my dad how comes him and mum had managed to stay married for all those years?
He said 'that's quite easy. We decided before we got married that we'd allow her to make all the small decisions in our relationship and I'd make the big decisions'.
I said 'so what big decisions have you made over the years then dad?'
He said 'we've only been married for fifty years- there haven't been any big decisions to make yet'.
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Terrywait
1:46 Wed Sep 23
Re: Best Man Speech Jokes
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Didnt know you were being my best man scott!
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